Talking Rubbish Part 1

It's Saturday night and I am multi-tasking at the kitchen counter. There is a bottle of wine next to my computer and a glassful. Masterchef Junior is on the TV. Keith is snoring, Troy is licking the carpet, Tyson is on the leather chair. I am working. I have one window open on my laptop where I am slowly re-naming files in the way that a client wants them; that seems stupid and requires me to look at a spreadsheet on my iPad next to me to figure out what number they want to call the file, rather than the number on the page itself. My friend Carrie and I are also chatting via iMessage. 

I am so touched by the response I have had to my first few blogs. There have been comments on Facebook, and on my Blog, and some private messages. I feel challenged and supported, and challenged. I am going to do my utmost best to write something every single day until my 43rd birthday but that means that sometimes my blog is just going to be a load of rubbish. Tonight may be one of those nights. 

When I started out on this career path I was motivated and I climbed the ladder very quickly. I would like to think that I learned from my managers how not to manage, and made myself a better manager. I have always worked with amazing people and I have always been committed to my work regardless of any frustration I may feel. I am fiercely proud of being able to do a good job and to be good at what I do. I am by no means perfect, I make mistakes. But my dedication has meant that I answer emails all the time, I take phone calls at stupid hours, I work at night, over weekends and there have been times that I have worked for 30 - 40 straight hours to meet a deadline or fix someones fuck-up. Yes, fuck-up. I loved it.

But something has changed. I think part of it is the environment we find ourselves in today and I could likely write about this for hours because there are so many elements that are different. When I started at my first job there was no email or internet, it was just being introduced to South Africa. We had internal company email. We spoke to each other a lot, we had meetings. We closed down our computers at the end of the day and we went home. Not many of us had cell phones. If we had a laptop it certainly wasn't connect to the net. When I traveled, especially into Africa, I was off the grid for weeks. The connected world we live in today has created a huge amount of expectations especially in terms of response times. But it has also changed how we communicate, we text and email rather than speak on the phone and though we shouldn't we have instilled tone and intent into our written words. 

 

I started out in the Industry in a position called Clinical Research Associate (CRA). In this role, you are assigned responsibility to learn and understand a certain aspect of drug or device development where these new products are being tested on human beings; generally in the manner in which they were intended. In early research we work with healthy human volunteers, but later on as we gather more and more information we start attempting to treat the disease itself. This is not a debate about the ethical standards of the pharmaceutical research industry.

Being a CRA is the best job I have ever had. Anyone that knows me, knows this. Despite my climb up the proverbial ladder I have always done my best to keep some CRA responsibility within my job. 

Things have happened to me in my life that has changed how I view the work world. I have done my best to strive for that elusive work-life balance. Frankly I think I have done a good job so far. I speak often about that dream to give things up, go for the easier life, move to the Country (O.M.G. I would be "living the dream!"). 

My sister was a hard worker, she and her husband never had much money. Fancy things were far out of their affordable reach; holidays were few and far between. My sister was brilliant; she had an incredible imagination and sense of humour, she had degrees in Journalism and Political Science. She was an English girl who studied at an Afrikaans University. People thought I was the clever sibling but they were so wrong. When she suddenly died at 33 she was studying Patent Law and she was getting top marks. I wish she had played more.

My mother died inside when my father died for real. She has never been the same. She merely exists. I wish she had met someone else.

I am now, and have been for some time, a part of "upper management" and I say this with a slight smirk (the silly kind, not the smug, conceited one). I am pretty good at listening, talking and finding a way to the solution. Yet I find myself sitting in meetings listening to clients rant about deadlines, and the tone of an email they didn't care for, and the person that did what they wanted them to do but not the way they wanted it done even though the end result is kinda the same. And I am bored. Because if it isn't me sitting there it will be someone else. And I'm not sure anyone would notice. And if it isn't them complaining it will be someone else. And they have all become the same to me. 

It used to be easier and it used to be much more fun. For me, I know what the problem is. The problem is that I am not in the trenches anymore, where the fun happens. It is an interesting realization to come to when you see that you are the person that you looked up at, and that you have had to make way for the younger group to come in. For me, this is true of my workplace, and it is true of my life. But it doesn't mean that it has to stay that way.

Now for those of you reading this that work with me, or (gasp) are my clients. This is my truth. It doesn't mean that I wont give you my 100%. It means that I am finally able to distinguish the parts of my life that I love, the parts that I don't, those that I have to keep doing, and those that I can change or give up. And without each of you, I would not know this.

We work, we produce, we create, we change, we make money, we pay our bills. We strive for more, we strive for less. We look for meaning. We look for balance. And if we are lucky enough, we change. 

One of the greatest things about "Keith and me" is that we have taken risks and we have made changes. And we are yet to regret any of them. Life is short, make those changes. Take those risks. Find the balance. 

And to any of you who work with me and are reading this, don't check email (too frequently) after hours, take your weekends, things can wait, there is always tomorrow.

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