I think that you need to have faith in order to question it, so if I am questioning it, then I must have faith.
I grew up in a traditionally orthodox Jewish home. In my late teens I became quite religious, to the point that some of my family joked that I was well on my way to becoming a Rabbi. Little did they know what I was getting up to late at night, and that becoming a Rabbi was never an option. The religious phase came and went, but at least I can say that I gave it a try. If asked, I would say that I prefer cheese with my burger and that’s why I strayed.
In my mid twenties I found myself talking to an amazing therapist who taught me about self-exploration and different views on the world. In between talking about my childhood, my father and mother and my various “issues”, we discussed Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism, Christianity, Spirituality, Metaphysics and I read books, lots of them. The advise given to me was to take all the bits of the things that I had read that made sense to me, to put them together and create my own belief.
I soon met an amazing woman named Fran and together with my friend Cherise and two others we went on an exploration that amazed and thrilled me. Our weekly meetings consisted of all things unknown, we explored the Merkabah, Light Work, Channeling, Tarot, I studied Wicca, we meditated, we met in dark places, we spoke to Egyptologists, we ate very garlicky chicken, we made spells and bought crystals and we formed opinions on what we believed. We played for just over two years.
And so I created my own version of my faith.
I have always said that there has to be more to life than what we experience on a day-to-day basis, because if there isn’t, then I struggle to see the point and I would rather bow out gracefully right now than endure the mundane activities of most days. So for me, there has to be something that exists outside of what we know. And that something belongs in a spiritual realm. It must be pretty good on the other side, because no one has come back to complain.
I believe in too many things to write it all down here but the most important is that I believe in sacred contracts and in the fact that things are exactly the way they are meant to be. This does not mean that we don’t have free choice; in fact it is because of free choice that I don’t truly believe in religion anymore because why offer free choice and then punish you for the choices you make. But that is a discussion for another time and place.
I believe that we come into this world having pre-determined certain experiences and relationships. I say certain, because I also believe that some happen by chance or because of someone else’s contract. Our souls are far greater than we could ever imagine or understand, we exist on multiple planes and in multiple dimensions at the same time; in fact the past, the present and the future are all happening right now.
For example, I believe that the part of my soul that exists in this life entered into an agreement with the part of my father’s soul that existed in this life to have the experience that it did. That’s why him dying the way he did, at the time that he did, is ok. I believe that I similarly have contracts with each and every person that I feel a connection with, because somewhere there is a lesson for one of us. Sometimes the lesson is for me, sometimes I’m just a conduit and sometimes it teaches us both.
But despite the fact that this feels right for me I don’t always believe, and sometimes I question. I miss my sister more than any words can describe. I don’t feel that I can get past the fact that she is gone and I think about her every day. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night because she haunts my mind so vividly. It’s not that I’ve suddenly realized how important she was to me and it’s not that I am having regrets about things not said or done. It is all about the fact that there is a humongous void in my life that I feel every day, the possibility that she is actually dead (the harshest way to describe it) is one that I struggle to accept and come to terms with. But, if I truly do believe in what I say I do, then I have to accept that this was a sacred contract that came to it’s rightful end at a time chosen by either me, my sister or both of us, in a time and place far removed from this world. I have to accept that whilst I may not understand it now, that in time I will come to understand or I will understand it when I leave this life, before I make my contracts for the next.
The part of me that still believes, is the part that helps me go on, laugh, enjoy, love and live despite that horrible emptiness, loss and sadness.
The other part of me questions.
I guess that’s what it’s really all about.
The more we ask, the more we are forced to evaluate our existence, make decisions, form opinions and hopefully realize how lucky we truly are and live the opportunities we have to the fullest.
I grew up in a traditionally orthodox Jewish home. In my late teens I became quite religious, to the point that some of my family joked that I was well on my way to becoming a Rabbi. Little did they know what I was getting up to late at night, and that becoming a Rabbi was never an option. The religious phase came and went, but at least I can say that I gave it a try. If asked, I would say that I prefer cheese with my burger and that’s why I strayed.
In my mid twenties I found myself talking to an amazing therapist who taught me about self-exploration and different views on the world. In between talking about my childhood, my father and mother and my various “issues”, we discussed Buddhism, Taoism, Judaism, Christianity, Spirituality, Metaphysics and I read books, lots of them. The advise given to me was to take all the bits of the things that I had read that made sense to me, to put them together and create my own belief.
I soon met an amazing woman named Fran and together with my friend Cherise and two others we went on an exploration that amazed and thrilled me. Our weekly meetings consisted of all things unknown, we explored the Merkabah, Light Work, Channeling, Tarot, I studied Wicca, we meditated, we met in dark places, we spoke to Egyptologists, we ate very garlicky chicken, we made spells and bought crystals and we formed opinions on what we believed. We played for just over two years.
And so I created my own version of my faith.
I have always said that there has to be more to life than what we experience on a day-to-day basis, because if there isn’t, then I struggle to see the point and I would rather bow out gracefully right now than endure the mundane activities of most days. So for me, there has to be something that exists outside of what we know. And that something belongs in a spiritual realm. It must be pretty good on the other side, because no one has come back to complain.
I believe in too many things to write it all down here but the most important is that I believe in sacred contracts and in the fact that things are exactly the way they are meant to be. This does not mean that we don’t have free choice; in fact it is because of free choice that I don’t truly believe in religion anymore because why offer free choice and then punish you for the choices you make. But that is a discussion for another time and place.
I believe that we come into this world having pre-determined certain experiences and relationships. I say certain, because I also believe that some happen by chance or because of someone else’s contract. Our souls are far greater than we could ever imagine or understand, we exist on multiple planes and in multiple dimensions at the same time; in fact the past, the present and the future are all happening right now.
For example, I believe that the part of my soul that exists in this life entered into an agreement with the part of my father’s soul that existed in this life to have the experience that it did. That’s why him dying the way he did, at the time that he did, is ok. I believe that I similarly have contracts with each and every person that I feel a connection with, because somewhere there is a lesson for one of us. Sometimes the lesson is for me, sometimes I’m just a conduit and sometimes it teaches us both.
But despite the fact that this feels right for me I don’t always believe, and sometimes I question. I miss my sister more than any words can describe. I don’t feel that I can get past the fact that she is gone and I think about her every day. I sometimes wake up in the middle of the night because she haunts my mind so vividly. It’s not that I’ve suddenly realized how important she was to me and it’s not that I am having regrets about things not said or done. It is all about the fact that there is a humongous void in my life that I feel every day, the possibility that she is actually dead (the harshest way to describe it) is one that I struggle to accept and come to terms with. But, if I truly do believe in what I say I do, then I have to accept that this was a sacred contract that came to it’s rightful end at a time chosen by either me, my sister or both of us, in a time and place far removed from this world. I have to accept that whilst I may not understand it now, that in time I will come to understand or I will understand it when I leave this life, before I make my contracts for the next.
The part of me that still believes, is the part that helps me go on, laugh, enjoy, love and live despite that horrible emptiness, loss and sadness.
The other part of me questions.
I guess that’s what it’s really all about.
The more we ask, the more we are forced to evaluate our existence, make decisions, form opinions and hopefully realize how lucky we truly are and live the opportunities we have to the fullest.
