Making babies

There are two common questions any (gay) couple is asked; first is "when are you getting married?", and the second is "will you have / do you want children?".

This post is about question number 2.

I had never given too much thought to having kids; for me it was an aspect of straight life that I didn't see me being a part of. I think however that if I were to have children I could be a decent father. At some point in my life I did ponder what it may mean to have children. This may have coincided with many of my friends suddenly becoming parents but frankly I don't really remember. What I realized at the time was that if I were ever to have children of my own that I would want them to be biologically mine. That immediately ruled out adoption. It occurred to me that the reason for me wanting children was quite selfish. If I were to have any, it would be to continue my line, my name, my genetics and to give me an opportunity to part way with my knowledge and experience. And be remembered. 

I am the end of my name, my sister didn't have any kids and even if she did they would not have been Reiters. I have no other siblings, no cousins. My mother was the last of hers too. Does it matter? 

I considered too that the world is filled with children in need of a home and that having one of my own for the sake of it was not that critical. I wondered about bringing a child in to a world where so many existed without a loving home. I mourned the only desire I did have, to experience that feeling of holding your newborn in your arms for the first time. 

I have a friend that used to continually remind me that I would never know the love of a child if I didn't have my own. This may be true. Yet I know what it is like to look after someone that is wholly dependent on you, to love them with all your heart, lie awake watching them breathe when they are sick. Many do not understand it, but even more do. And unlike children, to live with the knowledge that you will have to say goodbye. Because our fur children don't live forever. 

I hear that parenting can be the most rewarding experience, ones greatest achievement. But from the outside I also see the emotional drain, the frustrations, the inability to hold an uninterrupted adult conversation and the huge change of priorities. The older I get, the more selfish I am with my life and my time. I enjoy being able to determine my own time, to come and go as I please, to vacation when and where I want, to be quiet when I need to be quiet. Am I missing out?

If it weren't for me, my mother could possibly be homeless. She has depended on me for most of my life. I have supported her financially since I was in my teens. I resented her for this for a very long time. I wanted a mother like my friends had. One that took an interest in my life, that met me for lunch, that I did not have to parent. Have I resisted the idea of children because I felt like I already had one? 

I worry about growing old, being alone and not having someone to look after me or stand at my bedside at the end to say goodbye. But that is not a reason to have kids, nor any guarantee that they would do it. 

Straight couples choose not to have children. Gay couples are having kids of their own. Adoption allows for multi-cultural family units. And soon the only question we may be asked is "when are you getting a dog?"

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