My sister passed away last week. Deep down I always knew that this would happen and I warned her about it. She was overweight and unhealthy. I tried my best to help her and for a while it worked. But I guess she was happy and didn't really want to change. Did I really have the right to impose my needs on her? I guess all I was imposing, was the wish to have her around for a little longer.
I am totally devastated. I feel empty and numb. I think about her every minute of every day. That's not to say that I didn't before. The difference is that before, when she was alive, I could send her an email or a text and she would reply in her crazy manner, with some mad rant about life and the Russians (you wouldn't understand). We were very close, we loved each other and we told each other that. I have no regrets and nothing was left unsaid. For that, I am grateful. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and how many people are mourning her loss. She has truly left a void in the world.
I don't know how to get past this. I know I will. I know it's too soon but I want the grief to go away because it doesn't feel nice. How do I accept the fact that I will never see her or speak to her again. She will always be young but will I always remember?
My family is broken. It's our destiny and it started when my father passed away. My mother is old and frail, way beyond her 62 years and I have had to put her into a home to be cared for. I always thought that my sister would look after her, like I did when she lived in Israel. But the lesson here, is that it always has been, and always will be my responsibility. I hate that I have left her behind in South Africa. Knowing that it's the right thing to do, and feeling it, are two different things.
Being back in South Africa was good for me. It proved immediately that our choice to leave for Canada was a good one. South Africa is not a healthy place to live in. The hard part, i s leaving behind the people that I love. At the moment I am torn between loving my life in Canada, and wondering if the sacrifice is truly worth it. And at the risk of being somewhat naive, I blame that entirely on a country that has forced families to split up.
I am facing my own mortality once again. I am not part of the societal norm, although that's not to say that there arent plenty of gay couples of couples that do not have children. I guess I look around, and always have, at my friends that are part of a proper family unit and feel sad for the one I didn't have. It's no excuse to run out and get (make) myself a kid but a part of me mourns the fact that I wont grow old, surrounded by children, and cousins and family. I truly am blessed to have the friends and family that I do, and this week was proof of that. I guess at a time like this, it's normal to ponder the future, with a touch of apprehension.
Aparently 144,000 people died in the world today. Somewhere, someone lost a sister. I know how that feels. I can't say goodbye. I miss you CaroLearn. I always will. Life will never be the same.
I am totally devastated. I feel empty and numb. I think about her every minute of every day. That's not to say that I didn't before. The difference is that before, when she was alive, I could send her an email or a text and she would reply in her crazy manner, with some mad rant about life and the Russians (you wouldn't understand). We were very close, we loved each other and we told each other that. I have no regrets and nothing was left unsaid. For that, I am grateful. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and how many people are mourning her loss. She has truly left a void in the world.
I don't know how to get past this. I know I will. I know it's too soon but I want the grief to go away because it doesn't feel nice. How do I accept the fact that I will never see her or speak to her again. She will always be young but will I always remember?
My family is broken. It's our destiny and it started when my father passed away. My mother is old and frail, way beyond her 62 years and I have had to put her into a home to be cared for. I always thought that my sister would look after her, like I did when she lived in Israel. But the lesson here, is that it always has been, and always will be my responsibility. I hate that I have left her behind in South Africa. Knowing that it's the right thing to do, and feeling it, are two different things.
Being back in South Africa was good for me. It proved immediately that our choice to leave for Canada was a good one. South Africa is not a healthy place to live in. The hard part, i s leaving behind the people that I love. At the moment I am torn between loving my life in Canada, and wondering if the sacrifice is truly worth it. And at the risk of being somewhat naive, I blame that entirely on a country that has forced families to split up.
I am facing my own mortality once again. I am not part of the societal norm, although that's not to say that there arent plenty of gay couples of couples that do not have children. I guess I look around, and always have, at my friends that are part of a proper family unit and feel sad for the one I didn't have. It's no excuse to run out and get (make) myself a kid but a part of me mourns the fact that I wont grow old, surrounded by children, and cousins and family. I truly am blessed to have the friends and family that I do, and this week was proof of that. I guess at a time like this, it's normal to ponder the future, with a touch of apprehension.
Aparently 144,000 people died in the world today. Somewhere, someone lost a sister. I know how that feels. I can't say goodbye. I miss you CaroLearn. I always will. Life will never be the same.
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