My 2011

My high school teacher once made us write down our predictions for the coming year on a piece of paper and then held on to it until the next year when we could review them to see how close we were to the truth. I carried on doing that for a number of years, I would seal them in an envelope on Dec 31st and then as technology developed would password-protect a file on my hard drive. I realized last night that I hadn't done that in a while; I guess it wasn't really that important to know what the year was going to bring.

2011, like most of my years, has been challenging and life-altering. We brought in the New Year with an amazing group of friends, the same ones we traveled to Mexico with in May to witness a beautiful wedding, friends who rushed to the hospital when I needed them, who we ate with, laughed with, shared Christmas with and who we will see out the year with. Full circle.

If it were up to me, that circle would include a lot more people all over the world. Whilst a part of me blames South Africa for splitting us up, I am so grateful for the opportunity we have had to live in this amazing country and the ability to expand the family of friends that I would never have met, had we not decided to leave.

Keith had a stroke in June. It burst the bubble I was living in and woke me up to some very necessary changes. While watching one of Anderson Cooper's shows, I identified strongly with him when during an interview with his mother he said that his life is defined by loss. The idea that I could lose Keith was devastating, not that it should have been any surprise, yet it once again woke me up to the fact that nothing lasts forever; a lesson one would have thought I had fully learned already. Coupled with the realization that this included my dogs sent me spiraling. If I am every in doubt about anything, there is one single person that I know will set me straight and I turned to her immediately. She told me that a health crisis is a call for transformation and I should heed that call. So I did.

I quit my job this year. It was a very hard decision. It was the easiest decision. It was the right decision.

The world continues to change and yet I still believe that it is exactly the way it's meant to be.

Here's to all of my friends and family, for liking my Facebook posts, for reading my Tweets and my Blog, for keeping in contact via email, sms and skype, for listening to me, laughing with me, crying with me, for irritating me, for loving me. Here's to Keith, who keeps me content and sane, and to my three fur children who love me as unconditionally as it should be.

Here's to 2012.

Ramblings about some lady who made me sad!

I haven't blogged for a while, mainly for two reasons. The first is that Google and Blogger and god knows who else merged and mixed and changed and for the longest time I just couldn't get into my blog to edit it! I also lost my list of subscribers (all 11 of you) and for a moment I lost interest. I joined Twitter, I'm on Facebook, everyone kinda knows what's going on most of the time anyway!

Last night I went to a meeting out near the airport. I took a bus to the subway station after the meeting and at one of the stops, a young woman got on with her dog. She was warmly dressed, her dog had a tee-shirt on, she was holding a book that she was in the middle of reading, a water bottle and a piece of cardboard. I watched her chatting to the bus driver and looked at the dog who was obviously very comfortable on the very noisy and bumpy bus. They both got off at the subway station and we went underground, everyone boarding the train downtown. Woman and her dog walked to a bench and sat down. She gave him/her some water and she opened up her book. I looked around to see if anyone else had noticed her and it didn't seem like it. Everyone was busy doing their thing, the young guy playing games on his iPad, the guy reading his Chinese newspaper, the old lady eating her cut up apple pieces from a plastic bag and me, staring at the Woman and her dog feeling incredibly sad. I wondered if she had anywhere to go, a place to sleep, food to eat? She didn't look malnourished at all and I asked myself if I offered her some money if I would be insulting her having made an assumption by her piece of cardboard that she was possibly homeless and hungry. Maybe she was, or maybe she is part of the Occupy group and is protesting by choice? Did I have any right to ask?

As the train doors closed and we began to move, I silently asked myself if my thoughts were wasted if I wasn't prepared to do anything about them. Maybe just the fact that I noticed was enough? I changed the song on my iPod and thought about the fact that I was on my way home to a warm house, a home-cooked meal and irrelevant TV that I would probably watch till 1am. What struck me was that I had not looked at her and felt grateful for what I had, I only felt sad for what I perceived she did not. I wonder if there is a difference?

It may be exceptionally judgmental of me to sit here and debate whether someone else is content or not. For me what is important is that I take the time to look around and see things, and sometimes they make me think. We rush around consumed by so much that is trivial, small things make us crazy and cause us not to see anything around us.

I'd like to think that at some point, someone has noticed me either walking down the street, or sitting on a train and that caused them to think something about themselves. I don't need them to come over and tell me anything.  Maybe one day I'll read about it.

Blut ist dicker als Wasser

As written in Wikipedia: "Blood is thicker than water" generally means that the bonds of family and common ancestry are stronger than those bonds between unrelated people (such as friendship).

It first appeared in the medieval German beast epic Reinhart Fuchs (c. 1180 'Reynald the Fox') by Heinrich der Glichezaere, whose words in English read, 'Kin-blood is not spoilt by water.' In 1412, the English priest John Lydgate observed in 'Troy Book,' 'For naturally blood will be of kind/ Drawn-to blood, where he may it find.' More recently, Aldous Huxley's 'Ninth Philosopher's Song' (1920) gave the saying quite a different turn with 'Blood, as all men know, than water's thicker/ But water's wider, thank the Lord, than blood.' 

I had lunch with a friend today and the topic turned to her father with whom she has had little or no contact for some time and my mother with whom I often wish I had little or no contact. Even though she said I could use her name I choose not to so for the purpose of today's blog will refer to her as Themis. Themis has two young children and motherhood has significantly impacted her life. I was surprised to hear that her career, one that she brilliantly excels at, may take a backseat to motherhood. Not that that's a bad thing. 

This wasn't the first time that Themis voiced her concern at the fact that her father has never met her youngest child but the fear of his toxicity has kept her from establishing any contact. "Toxic" is Themis' and my word to describe our parents who are victims, who blame the world for the consequences of their lives, who become nasty when they need attention; our parents. It's just a word, it's a word that we both understand, it could be substituted by a multitude of words more or less fitting. Those that know our parents, will get it. 

I asked her if she wanted her father to know her kids for her kid's sake, for hers or for her fathers? Her kids don't know him now, so have nothing to lose by not knowing him, wont miss someone they never knew. You may argue that it is important for a child to have parents, siblings and grandparents but I respond that it is never important enough when the relationships and impact of those relationships are toxic. And at that young age you have a choice. My father died when I was so young that it's almost like he never existed. I cant miss someone that was never there (stay with me......he was, but he left early enough that there wasn't that much of an impact). I cant say that I even missed having a father figure around, he was never there, I didn't know any different. My sister died two years ago. She was there. She was a huge part of my life. I will never get over losing her. Therein lies a difference.

So we've established that it's possibly not about the kids. Is it important to Themis that her kids meet and know her father? It came out that she may be looking for his approval. But bringing him into her kid's life is risky because he has no boundaries or filter and the chances are that she will have to cut him off again and what impact will that have on the kids? Are they young enough to forget (like I was when my father died) or will it cause some form of emotional stress? Is that worth her father's approval for producing two such beautiful children? Finally, is it important to her father to meet his grandchildren? Neither of us could answer that. If he wasn't a particularly good parent, could he be a particularly good grandparent? 

These are questions that we are faced with all the time, in various ways and forms. They are unique to each of us and unless we are in a specific situation we have no right to judge nor opine. Themis will do what is right for her, for her children and for her father. Or she may not and in that case, we are grateful to the existence of therapists and friends (absolution!) all over the world. The only advise that I could offer is this; do whatever will cause you the least amount of regret when he is gone. 

So is blood really thicker than water? Are the bonds of ancestry truly stronger than those between uncommon people? Keith and I have no blood connection yet our bond is infinitely stronger than my relationship with my mother. If blood is the bond, then the bond would only exist between offspring (to each other and their parents (and cousins?)) but not between spouses because to be of a blood bond would mean an incestuous marriage of sorts (and almost certain genetic affliction).  Wait a second.....so there CAN be that bond without blood......that's what I thought (or is that why divorce/break-up is so easy/acceptable - because the bond is not of blood?). Why is it OK to break the bond when it's not blood, but we are judged when we choose to break those that are?

Maybe I see it differently because of the dysfunctional (toxic?) and fragmented family that I have experienced. Maybe it's a defense mechanism because I covet the large family units, the "Brothers & Sisters" of the world. I have created my own family from uncommon-non-blood people. My friends are my family. Keith's family are my family. Themis is my family. 

I have a great Aunt Bessie who never had children and with whom we were close until my mother had one of her alienation episodes and drove her away. I was a kid and I didn't realize the importance of family (blood) but recently started to wonder about her. I wondered if she had died alone. I felt bad about that. It suddenly came to me last week to email the home where I knew she had lived and was absolutely (pleasantly) surprised to find out that the is alive and as well as can be for a mid 90-something woman. I wrote her a long newsy email and asked that it be read to her. There is a connection and it can only have been bourne of blood. Upon hearing this story, Themis immediately responded that I obviously wanted her to have her dad spend time with her kids. But that was not my point because the opposite of that holds true for me too. I have an Aunt in Israel, my father's sister who I barely know. She and my mother had a falling out (surprised?). She has constantly asked what she has ever done to me to make me ignore her. Truth is she has never done anything to me but just because we are blood doesn't mean that we are family. She knows nothing about my life and I know nothing about hers. Yet I feel a connection to great Aunt Bessie. I wonder if it's because she never had any children and my father's sister has kids, grand kids and great grand kids. 

This is how I see it. "Family" is whatever you define it to be. It could be a group of people affiliated by blood, affinity or co-residence (as defined by the Latin word). It could be defined by your religious or spiritual beliefs.  It could be any of us, it could be all of us, it could be none of us.  What's important is that we have the choice to define who we interact with (family), who we turn to in times of need (family), who we call first when something exciting happens (family), who we share with (family), who we fight with (family), who we need (family) and who needs us (family). 

I love my family. Every non-blood one of them. 

Let nobody judge our choices.

What's it all about?

As I continue to read REWORK, I come across really good statements, that once again, taken out of the context of the book have a lot more meaning to me than possibly intended by the authors. 

You want to feel that if you stopped doing what you do, people would notice

 

In the context of the book this refers to the work we do. The book asks if you really love your job and if not, why aren't you doing something else? That's a whole topic on it's own and a question I am currently asking myself. But it's not the focus of my blog today. 

I've written before about the time-line and the mind-fuck that it is to me.  Try follow my line of thought......

 

I am essentially the end of a genetic line. My mother is the only daughter of her parents. Her father had a brother and a sister. His brother had one daughter. His sister never had any children. There ends his family name when my mother and her first cousin married and took on their husband's names. 

 

My father had one sister. She married and her children took on their father's family name. My father had a son and a daughter.  My sister passed away but even if she hadn't and had had children, they would have taken their father's family name. 

I am the end of the line, and the chances of me fathering a child are remote. My family name ends when I die. 

Now this is not to say that there aren't other people in the world with the same family name as mine, or as my grandfather's. But we aren't related; we just have the same name. 

Or are we?

The only way that I got here with the family name that I have was because someone with the same family name as mine had a kid, and they had a kid, and these kids were all boys who carried the name forward. I wonder if someone, 150 years ago sat in their cave and asked themselves what would happen if they didn't have a son, if their family name would disappear. Is it an internal and natural instinct that causes us to procreate? 

I think the real question is: "Does it matter after I'm gone?"

What matters the most to me, is that when I am, somebody notices.

REWORK

I have never been a fan of business and self-help books. When I read, I prefer to launch myself into a fictional world where I can imagine the characters and absorb myself into something other than what I do from day to day. I read a lot. Sometimes I read two books at a time and there is nothing better than the feel and smell of a book and its pages. It is for this reason, by the way, that I will continue to resist those horrible little electronic ebook readers for as long as I can (or until they stop publishing the real thing). Advancements in technology is great but there are some things that should be left alone, and one of those are books!

Anyway, I digress. The purpose of this blog is to talk about a book I am currently reading called Rework, by Jason Fried and David Heinemeier Hansson. As I said earlier, I stay away from the business-type books. I read Malcolm Gladwell's books because everyone said I should and I yawned, not quite understanding why the world goes gaga over things that really are common sense. But I guess the issue is that often someone needs to point those out to us. Back to Rework. This is one of the best non-fictional books I have ever read. I think it speaks to me because it is so simple and because I identify with so many aspects of it. In fact, I recognise many of my own behaviours and working traits in this book and quite frankly, that makes me proud because this is one book that really makes sense to me. Its all about business today and how to get ahead but not in the traditional sense of the word. It certainly doesn't prescribe to "Vision, Mission, Objectives", something I have turned my nose up at for years. 

There are some fantastic one-liners and I thought I would list them as they come up. My next few blogs will comprise these one-liners.

The real world isn't a place, it's an excuse. It's a justification for not trying. It has nothing to do with you. 

I love this, and taken out of the context of the book can mean so many things. We are so governed by the "real-world" today. I watch the news in amazement most nights, especially at America who claims to be the land of the free yet has become so unbelievably prescriptive and judgmental. (and yes, I realise that in that statement lies my very own judgement but then this is my blog and I can say what I like :-)) You can't take a picture of your kid in the bath because some idiot at Walmart who develops the pics will report you for child abuse, you cant read an old story-tale about Noddy and Big Ears because they have an inappropriate homosexual infatuation with eachother and referring to the Gollywog is racist. There is something wrong with everything, you can't eat this, you can't use that, you shouldn't go here, you should never do that. How did our parents and theirs before them function without all the sensory and information-sharing overload. It's a wonder we even exist. The real world seems to me to becoming less and less of a free place than ever before. It's easier to just go with the pack these days than to be someone different.  It's sad to think that if we continually believe that we should do and say as they do in the real world, we may all just become exactly like eachother.

MMXI

Welcome to 2011, a common year in the Gregorian calender according to Wikipedia, and if we didn't know already; the current year. Wiki further explains that it is the 2011th year of the Common Era or the Anno Domini designation. This is also the eleventh year of the third millennium and of the 21st century and the second of the 2010s decade. The Jews (5771; oy vey the agony), the Mayans (didn't have enough space on the wheel to go past 2012), the Chinese (XinMao - Rabbit Stew) and a host of other believers might not agree. For me, it's just another day.

2010 was a hard year for me, but a good one. Friendships ended, began, strengthened. Issues cropped up, were resolved, lead to a change in plans. Through everything, we kept a roof over our head and food on the table. We saw 2011 in with good friends, champagne and sushi, the best dance music (real house), and my 7th opportunity to say "Happy New Year" to Keith, Dexter, Troy and Jessie - my world.

When I was in school, I remember my English teacher having us answer a set of questions and seal them in an envelope. He gave them back to us a year later to compare our predictions to reality. For many years I continued the tradition, sealing my predictions in an envelope (and later a password protected document on my hard drive), and opening them on Dec 31st each year. I haven't done that in a while. 

I don't do resolutions. It's just another day. But I do have hopes for the coming months. If you do believe in the stars and new beginnings, in the numbers and the Universe then I hope that the new year, albeit it a Common one, continues to allow us all the experiences we need, deserve, sometimes don't want but are all necessary to remind us that we are free and alive. To those that are not, we will remember you. 

To all, a happy MMXI