Anger, or is it?

Sometimes I feel consumed with anger. At the same time I am filled with contentment. It's a true dichotomy and one that is difficult to explain. When I tell people that I am angry, or miserable they immediately think that I hate being in Canada. I don't. I love it here and that's where the contentment is.

I have always believed that my mother does not take responsibility for her life. Granted, her life has not been easy but no harder than most people I know. No harder than mine. I've blogged before about her "turning a negative into a positive" but those who know her, know that she doesnt believe this to be true. My mother's true belief is "I am a result of circumstance". She claims that it is not her fault that her husband died, that her mother and father died, that her child was morbidly and fataly obese, that she gets and got depressed, that she is always ill, that she has headaches, that she had a brain AVM, that she hasn't been able to work for 12 years (even though she really wishes she could - ja right). It was all circumstance. Yes, circumstances occur and shape our lives. But we also have a responsibility to deal with those circumstances and I have always believed that the way in which we do that, leads to a successful control of our life or lack thereof. My mother's choice has always been to go to bed and mine has always been to get on with it. She has often said that I am cold and unemotional. I call it being practical and realistic. She believe's that she had no choice, because circumstance caused things that made her depressed that forced her to want to lie down for a few months. I believe that lying down was her choice.

Today is two months since my sister passed away and I still don't quite believe that it is real. Her dying changed my life forever in a way that I can't explain, but my choice is not to give up. I am angry though about so many things, but I won't give them credence by putting them in writing.

I am angry about other circumstances that I find myself in but I wont give those credence either. This morning I was working out at the gym and this is my me-time, when I have headphones in my ears, when I think a lot and focus on working out. I thought about all the people that make me angry, and all the circumstances that make me angry and I wondered if my anger is rightly directed or not. Is it circumstance making me angry or am I angry at myself? Am I directing my emotions away so as to avoid taking responsibility? What can I do to change things, because I have a choice whether I like it or not.

This is the difference between me and my mother. I am angry. There are reasons for my anger. Some are caused by people and some by circunstance. But I am in control and I have choices. Just knowing that already makes me feel a little better.

Loopy-Loo

Keith and I have a name for the people that wander around talking to themselves and gesturing. We call them the loopy-loos. The fact is, that it's become a term of affection and we often wonder why it is that we see so many loopy-loos in our neighbourhood. South Africa was full of homeless people and beggers, but they weren't loopy-loos. These guys (and girls) are entertaining and include the guy talking to himself on the streetcar, and telling himself jokes, and laughing at them, the very cute guy standing at the street corner grabbing his crotch and doing karate, the military guy in the park with his pram and white bunny, the jogger that has different coloured shoes, the bag lady on the subway that walked up to people and grabbed their stuff, then offered them food. According to Deb we live in the "corridor" - the inbetween the place where they sleep and the place where they eat. That's why we see them and I wouldnt have it any other way.

At peace

We decided to take the dogs for a walk tonight after supper. It was almost 9pm and because spring is in the air there is a light breeze and the sun is just going down. We closed the door behind us and off we went. We forgot to check that the door was locked (it was). It was quiet and peaceful, there were people all over (with and without dogs) and the best part was walking on the streets past people's houses that have no burglar bars or curtains. We watched people making dinner, drinking wine, we saw them watching TV, some houses were in the dark and some had all the lights on but nobody was home. We walked through a dark alley. We weren't scared at all. We wished that our friends back in South Africa could experience this. We're at peace.