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Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Blut ist dicker als Wasser

As written in Wikipedia: "Blood is thicker than water" generally means that the bonds of family and common ancestry are stronger than those bonds between unrelated people (such as friendship).
It first appeared in the medieval German beast epic Reinhart Fuchs (c. 1180 'Reynald the Fox') by Heinrich der Glichezaere, whose words in English read, 'Kin-blood is not spoilt by water.' In 1412, the English priest John Lydgate observed in 'Troy Book,' 'For naturally blood will be of kind/ Drawn-to blood, where he may it find.' More recently, Aldous Huxley's 'Ninth Philosopher's Song' (1920) gave the saying quite a different turn with 'Blood, as all men know, than water's thicker/ But water's wider, thank the Lord, than blood.' 

I had lunch with a friend today and the topic turned to her father with whom she has had little or no contact for some time and my mother with whom I often wish I had little or no contact. Even though she said I could use her name I choose not to so for the purpose of today's blog will refer to her as Themis. Themis has two young children and motherhood has significantly impacted her life. I was surprised to hear that her career, one that she brilliantly excels at, may take a backseat to motherhood. Not that that's a bad thing. 

This wasn't the first time that Themis voiced her concern at the fact that her father has never met her youngest child but the fear of his toxicity has kept her from establishing any contact. "Toxic" is Themis' and my word to describe our parents who are victims, who blame the world for the consequences of their lives, who become nasty when they need attention; our parents. It's just a word, it's a word that we both understand, it could be substituted by a multitude of words more or less fitting. Those that know our parents, will get it. 

I asked her if she wanted her father to know her kids for her kid's sake, for hers or for her fathers? Her kids don't know him now, so have nothing to lose by not knowing him, wont miss someone they never knew. You may argue that it is important for a child to have parents, siblings and grandparents but I respond that it is never important enough when the relationships and impact of those relationships are toxic. And at that young age you have a choice. My father died when I was so young that it's almost like he never existed. I cant miss someone that was never there (stay with me......he was, but he left early enough that there wasn't that much of an impact). I cant say that I even missed having a father figure around, he was never there, I didn't know any different. My sister died two years ago. She was there. She was a huge part of my life. I will never get over losing her. Therein lies a difference.

So we've established that it's possibly not about the kids. Is it important to Themis that her kids meet and know her father? It came out that she may be looking for his approval. But bringing him into her kid's life is risky because he has no boundaries or filter and the chances are that she will have to cut him off again and what impact will that have on the kids? Are they young enough to forget (like I was when my father died) or will it cause some form of emotional stress? Is that worth her father's approval for producing two such beautiful children? Finally, is it important to her father to meet his grandchildren? Neither of us could answer that. If he wasn't a particularly good parent, could he be a particularly good grandparent? 

These are questions that we are faced with all the time, in various ways and forms. They are unique to each of us and unless we are in a specific situation we have no right to judge nor opine. Themis will do what is right for her, for her children and for her father. Or she may not and in that case, we are grateful to the existence of therapists and friends (absolution!) all over the world. The only advise that I could offer is this; do whatever will cause you the least amount of regret when he is gone

So is blood really thicker than water? Are the bonds of ancestry truly stronger than those between uncommon people? Keith and I have no blood connection yet our bond is infinitely stronger than my relationship with my mother. If blood is the bond, then the bond would only exist between offspring (to each other and their parents (and cousins?)) but not between spouses because to be of a blood bond would mean an incestuous marriage of sorts (and almost certain genetic affliction).  Wait a second.....so there CAN be that bond without blood......that's what I thought (or is that why divorce/break-up is so easy/acceptable - because the bond is not of blood?). Why is it OK to break the bond when it's not blood, but we are judged when we choose to break those that are?

Maybe I see it differently because of the dysfunctional (toxic?) and fragmented family that I have experienced. Maybe it's a defense mechanism because I covet the large family units, the "Brothers & Sisters" of the world. I have created my own family from uncommon-non-blood people. My friends are my family. Keith's family are my family. Themis is my family. 

I have a great Aunt Bessie who never had children and with whom we were close until my mother had one of her alienation episodes and drove her away. I was a kid and I didn't realize the importance of family (blood) but recently started to wonder about her. I wondered if she had died alone. I felt bad about that. It suddenly came to me last week to email the home where I knew she had lived and was absolutely (pleasantly) surprised to find out that the is alive and as well as can be for a mid 90-something woman. I wrote her a long newsy email and asked that it be read to her. There is a connection and it can only have been bourne of blood. Upon hearing this story, Themis immediately responded that I obviously wanted her to have her dad spend time with her kids. But that was not my point because the opposite of that holds true for me too. I have an Aunt in Israel, my father's sister who I barely know. She and my mother had a falling out (surprised?). She has constantly asked what she has ever done to me to make me ignore her. Truth is she has never done anything to me but just because we are blood doesn't mean that we are family. She knows nothing about my life and I know nothing about hers. Yet I feel a connection to great Aunt Bessie. I wonder if it's because she never had any children and my father's sister has kids, grand kids and great grand kids. 

This is how I see it. "Family" is whatever you define it to be. It could be a group of people affiliated by blood, affinity or co-residence (as defined by the Latin word). It could be defined by your religious or spiritual beliefs.  It could be any of us, it could be all of us, it could be none of us.  What's important is that we have the choice to define who we interact with (family), who we turn to in times of need (family), who we call first when something exciting happens (family), who we share with (family), who we fight with (family), who we need (family) and who needs us (family). 

I love my family. Every non-blood one of them. 
Let nobody judge our choices.