Facing my own mortality

My sister passed away last week. Deep down I always knew that this would happen and I warned her about it. She was overweight and unhealthy. I tried my best to help her and for a while it worked. But I guess she was happy and didn't really want to change. Did I really have the right to impose my needs on her? I guess all I was imposing, was the wish to have her around for a little longer.

I am totally devastated. I feel empty and numb. I think about her every minute of every day. That's not to say that I didn't before. The difference is that before, when she was alive, I could send her an email or a text and she would reply in her crazy manner, with some mad rant about life and the Russians (you wouldn't understand). We were very close, we loved each other and we told each other that. I have no regrets and nothing was left unsaid. For that, I am grateful. I hope she knew how much she was loved, and how many people are mourning her loss. She has truly left a void in the world.

I don't know how to get past this. I know I will. I know it's too soon but I want the grief to go away because it doesn't feel nice. How do I accept the fact that I will never see her or speak to her again. She will always be young but will I always remember?

My family is broken. It's our destiny and it started when my father passed away. My mother is old and frail, way beyond her 62 years and I have had to put her into a home to be cared for. I always thought that my sister would look after her, like I did when she lived in Israel. But the lesson here, is that it always has been, and always will be my responsibility. I hate that I have left her behind in South Africa. Knowing that it's the right thing to do, and feeling it, are two different things.

Being back in South Africa was good for me. It proved immediately that our choice to leave for Canada was a good one. South Africa is not a healthy place to live in. The hard part, i s leaving behind the people that I love. At the moment I am torn between loving my life in Canada, and wondering if the sacrifice is truly worth it. And at the risk of being somewhat naive, I blame that entirely on a country that has forced families to split up.

I am facing my own mortality once again. I am not part of the societal norm, although that's not to say that there arent plenty of gay couples of couples that do not have children. I guess I look around, and always have, at my friends that are part of a proper family unit and feel sad for the one I didn't have. It's no excuse to run out and get (make) myself a kid but a part of me mourns the fact that I wont grow old, surrounded by children, and cousins and family. I truly am blessed to have the friends and family that I do, and this week was proof of that. I guess at a time like this, it's normal to ponder the future, with a touch of apprehension.

Aparently 144,000 people died in the world today. Somewhere, someone lost a sister. I know how that feels. I can't say goodbye. I miss you CaroLearn. I always will. Life will never be the same.

The Good, the Bad, the Abusively Ugly

Free to a home (note that it doesn't have to be a good home):
a deliquint, sad, demanding, bi-polar, uninterested, selfish, over-medicated mother. Requires little attention and a pharmacy close-by. Offered up by a son that cares more than he would like to but just can't do it anymore.

The Good
I am enjoying my life. I worked in New York City last week; Manhattan to be specific. New York is a great place to visit, but to feel like part of the city is exhilirating. I woke up and walked through Manhattan to work. I felt like I was part of the workforce. I was. I went out for lunch and I went to a meeting. I walked amongst the tourists, the locals and the yellow cabs. I loved every minute of it. The city has an energy that you cant ignore. That night I ate out with friends in Hells Kitchen. We drank cocktails and enjoyed eachothers company and then we cabbed and subway-ed home. To be (relatively) young and be able to experience New York City is amazing.

The weather is good. It's warmer than usual for February in Toronto. When we left South Africa, people asked how we would deal with the weather. When we arrived in Canada people warned us that by February we would be crying out in frustration. We're still wondering what the big deal is. In South Africa you are cold in Winter. The houses are cold, the beds are cold, the toilet seat is cold and your toes burn when they hit the hot water in the shower. You have to wear a sweater indoors and keep the heaters on. In Canada you dont feel it. I wear a tee-shirt inside all day long. I put a jacket on when I go out and if its really bad I wear a beanie and gloves. I dont have a car so I have to wait on the corner for the streetcar, in the snow, in the cold, and it's still not that bad. Spring is almost here. It really isnt as bad as its made out to be. In fact, it's the least of my worries.

We have met some really nice people. In fact, the other day Keith called me to find out if we already had arrangements for Friday night because we had been invited out to dinner. A month ago we had no plans, ever! Now we have two dinners this week. We've met a wonderful couple two doors up who are warm and fun to be with, who drop by when they feel like it , to have a glass of wine and who have made it their mission to invite us over and introduce us to their friends. We have been made to feel incredibly welcome.

I've been driving around Toronto, figuring out where things are and avoiding getting lost. Despite its size, this is an easy city to navigate. South African cities make no sense and are much harder to learn. I love being in the car (on the wrong side of the road) and sitting in traffic and thinking "wow.....I live in Toronto".

The Bad
Emigration is not easy. Leaving friends and family behind is the hardest part. Not having our Saturday lunches makes me sad. I miss getting angry at Parea because someone decided to order for the whole table. I miss Espresso's Village Salad with extra Avo. I miss breakfast with Renzo at Nice. I miss lunch with Carolyn at M&A. I miss coffee with Terri at the Michaelangelo. I miss Simon's braai's. I miss sitting around the kitchen table and bantering with Kenneth. I miss it all.

The Abusively Ugly
My mother has stooped to an alltime low. Before I left South Africa I settled all her bills, paid the humoungous pharmacy account, gave her some money and told her to start acting like an adult and taking responsibility for herself and her finances. I have been suporting her for years. I have paid of hundreds of thousands of rands worth of debt. Keith constantly tells me that she will never learn because she knows that I will always bail her out. He is right. She knows that all she has to do is cry, apologise and promise never to do it again. Inbred Jewish Guilt forces me to make that transfer each time she tells me she needs money even if I dont have it because despite how I feel, I could never take the chance that she is going hungry or without something that she needs. I have never been able to save because every extra cent goes to either supporting her or to pay off some form of debt that she has created, be it a doctors bill, the phone account or her overdraft. Granted, my mother has never taken the money and used it for clothes, holidays or extravagant items that she did not need. And therein lies the problem because its always been things that she needs. I have tried many times to take controld but but she becomes nasty and absuvie and to be honest, I dont have the energy to manage her life. Before I left South Africa I told her that I would give her a monthly allowance that she had to manage and that was it. Naturally she agreed but every two weeks I get the sms or call telling me that she needs more money because the pharmacy bill was high, the phone account was high, the medical aid went up. And I pay up. Turns out, that she has no fucking clue whats happening with the money because about 6 monthys ago she handed her ATM card over to Jonathan, her "who knows what" that lives with her and hasnt bothered to check up on her finances since. Typical behaviour of a victim that isnt happy unless somone else is recsuing her. So not only has Jonathan been receiving free room and board, but he has also no doubt been helping himself to cash whenever he needed it. I didnt mind him living there for free because I liked the fact that she had company but I made it very clear when he moved in that he needed to pay his own way when it came to food and his own living expenses. But things dont always go according to plan and Lawrence, the sucker, now owes the bank a fortune.

My mother is not a mother. She has not done a motherly thing for me in over 20 years. She is the person that gave birth to me. Would I walk away if she were self-sufficient? Possibly. But despite how I feel, she is a sad, lonely, bitter and emotionally ill woman and she is my mother. I have a responsibility to look after her. How do I reconcile that internally? How do I say No. Our relationship is purely one of give and take, I give and she takes. It is not a happy one, nor is it a mutually rewarding relationship. It is based on need. I have long given up the dream that she would be the parent I longed for. All I try for now, is to ensure that when she is gone, that I never regret the things I didnt do. Like she did with her own mother.